Kinja's Final Lap: Why Your Automotive Subculture Sucks: Corvette Owners

"CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever" (carsoffortlangley) 11/11/2020 at 20:15 • Filed to: Why your car culture sucks, Best of COFL

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100

Jim Can Kiss My Ass

Are you over 60? Can you remember when America was great? Do you think there is no replacement for displacement? Have you recently or are about to become single? You are the Corvette’s target market.

Your subculture: Corvette Owners

Your Background: Back in your day, Astronauts drove Corvettes. SPACEMEN who were taking the fight to the ruskies on the moon. These cars had cool names like Stingray with matching Stingray badges, not pussy names like Corolla or Insight. You sat in your room listening to the Beatles and staring at the Corvette poster your dad bought you thinking about how one day, you’d own a Corvette.

You’re 50 years older now, and the kids are gone and Martha took the house in the divorce. But, you can drive down to the Chevy dealer and pick up the car of your dreams. You can wash it, wax it and sit in the garage silently crying and whispering “ARE YOU PROUD NOW DAD?”.

The Car: With a rocking 283 bhp in 1956, (1 horsepower per cubic inch!) this 2 door American dream worked its way up to an impressive (for 1964) 375hp in the mid 60's.

Now it’s 2019 and you have your chance to finally join the Corvette owners club. The plucky little 2 door from the 50's has evolved into a 755hp monster. Your reflexes are not what they used to, so you have to be careful on the 3 days a year you take it out!

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

What’s new that sucks: Mid engine? Your dad didn’t die on Iwo Jima for this unamerican bullshit. What’s next? it will be built in Mexico?

Also, in your day, a wing was something FIGHTER PLANES had. Not cars.

What has always sucked: Confederate sympathies, overwhelming whiteness and low incomes. No, this isn’t the profile of a used Corvette buyer, these are just some of the factoids and stats of Bowling Green, Kentucky where all Corvettes have been made.

Corvettes don’t have the same polish or quality as other high performance cars from communist countries like Germany or Italy but, like all , some , two other GM cars, they are built by red blooded Americans.

HEAR IT FROM CORVETTE OWNERS!

“I just need to go to 3 more shows this summer to keep my Corvette Club Membership”

COFL’s Dad

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:04

11

This is the content I come here for, that and Monkee's mspaints

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute 06/17/2019 at 23:05

10

If people like this, I may do more. This took like...a surprisingly long time to write/make

Nothing > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:07

14

Corvettes are too easy. They’ve been the gold chain chest hair car meme before there were memes.

ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:08

2

Tis is good Oppo!

I’m doing my part to rid of the stereotype tho

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:08

1

Well, mark me down as interested FWIW. My problem with making #kwalitycontent is that I start something  then procrastinate to the point where I feel like I'm taking too long when I'm literally just being a lazy bastard. But you have my interest, so use that as motivation or some shit lol.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Nothing 06/17/2019 at 23:09

0

I wanted to start easy. What would you have picked or what would you want to see?

Chariotoflove > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:15

9

BMWs next pls 

Nothing > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:25

7

Oh, I’m just giving you a hard time. I’m not terribly good at coming up with stories or topics, so I’ll just have to rely on you to keep me coming. Subaru would be another “ too easy” one.

Back on Corvettes for a minute, my retired neighbor that has the 42k mile ‘67 L71 that he’s too scared to drive (man, it’s beautiful) was telling me with pride how had swapped later model fiberglass front/rear bumpers on his pristine 1972 Corvette. Poor car. That’s like taking a chrome number MGB and swapping on the rubber bumpers. Ok, it’s probaby worse than that.

WilliamsSW > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:29

1

Good work! Plenty of targets to follow up on from here.

Even if this was probably the lowest hanging fruit...

Spaceball-Two > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:34

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My dad, 72 years old, Vietnam vet, retired fire fighter (Democrat) goes to shows every weekend no matter what baby shower or birthday celebration that’s going on.

You're assessment is spot on. He just needs to up his New Balance game.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Spaceball-Two 06/17/2019 at 23:37

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My dad’s

Spaceball-Two > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:42

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Well that's just fucking gorgeous. His Jeep is nice too.

wafflesnfalafel > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:49

2

M anual take rate too low! Come on old men - stop being wankers!

wafflesnfalafel > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:50

1

yummy

Mid Engine > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:51

2

I’ll wait for the next installment where you pick on Porsche’s :)

wafflesnfalafel > Spaceball-Two 06/17/2019 at 23:52

2

c5 with c6 zo6 wheels?  very nice

MonkeePuzzle > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/17/2019 at 23:59

1

good oppo

ricers next? we suck!

ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 00:02

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This is great Oppo.  Good work!

FTTOHG Has Moved to https://opposite-lock.com > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 00:11

1

Ooh can we make this a series?

gettingoldercarguy > Nothing 06/18/2019 at 00:18

5

Hamburgers and pizza are easy, but still really good and everybody enjoys them.

OmerCarrothers333 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 00:21

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How do I Oppo like you?

CB > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 00:26

2

But when will us Fiesta ST owners get grilled?

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > CB 06/18/2019 at 00:30

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Everytime we drive by the voices in our heads.

Or is that just me?

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > OmerCarrothers333 06/18/2019 at 00:31

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Drink more

CB > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 00:31

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Nope, me too.

AestheticsInMotion > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 00:36

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A C7 owner pulled up next to me last week and said I must be crazy to have my top down in this weather. It was 67° and cloudy

RPM esq. > CB 06/18/2019 at 02:02

2

An unbiased observer such as myself may  need to contribute that one.

RPM esq. > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 02:03

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As a big fan of Magary’s hater’s guides and WYTS , this is superb

mberg1138 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 05:51

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Hahaha of course you had to pick the all time ugliest Vette to lead of f the article. Seeing I fit you description minus being divorced (married 21 years), not over 60 (still a yougish for the Vette world at 48) and the fact I personally don’t like car shows or clubs....it was spot on. Don’t forget the “wave” which is mandatory once you buy a Vette. I believe only motorcycle and Jeep owners have a similar weirdness with a wave? Maybe they’re more ? Can’t imagine Ford Taurus owners waving at each other??

Textured Soy Protein > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 07:51

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I as a car nerd appreciate the performance bargain of a used late model Corvette. Here in DC they’re relatively uncommon and just because of the area the owners are less stereotypical. At least until you get out into the farther-out way far suburbs.

My wife however grew up in the Midwest where Corvettes are very stereotypical.

Recently a C7 was in traffic next to us, and I casually asked her, “if I had a Corvette like that, would I look like a total penis?”

Her response:

“DEFINITELY.”

InFierority Complex > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 08:02

3

“Also, in your day, a wing was something FIGHTER PLANES had. Not cars.”

Yup , wings and aviation influences definitely weren’t a feature of automotive design in the 50s. Nope ;)  

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 08:52

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I’m not this good at writing but I can give you some ideas:

1. Tacticool wannabe operators with #Badass 4Runners and Jeeps who have never seen more offroad than a light dirt trail to a campground

2. BMW “Purists” who lament how “The Ultimate driving machine” lost its way and the E30M3 was the last great BMW ever made

3. Audi bros who act like an S4 with Quatrro is the greatest AWD vehicle ever and every other AWD system is absolute shit.

4. People who willingly bought a “Coupeover” aka GLE/GLC coupe X4/X6

5. British car snobs.

Tesla, Subaru, bro trucks, Miata “track day bro” , Muscle cars , ricers are the other tried and tested options.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > RPM esq. 06/18/2019 at 09:01

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How do you roast the perfect car?

MattHurting > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 11:18

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What’s new that sucks: Mid engine? Your dad didn’t die on Iwo Jima for this unamerican bullshit. What’s next? it will be built in Mexico?

This is the best line in the post and the reason Oppo is a gold mine. Yes, please more of this on any of the topics others have already mentioned. 

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 11:29

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Corvettes have only been made in KY since 1981; before that they were all made in St Louis MO.

(Even as I get older I still have no interest in buying a Corvette, especially with manual transmission versions becoming less common. I'll stick to my mini minivan, thanks...)

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 06/18/2019 at 11:30

2

Really?

oops

fintail > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 11:40

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Fun to see how many views this gets, and if it offends anyone.

You must do this for several other cars.

kanadanmajava1 > Spaceball-Two 06/18/2019 at 11:40

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Birthdays happen on every year and babies forget their showers anyway so I would choose the car shows too .

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > fintail 06/18/2019 at 11:50

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Mercedes owners first lol

benn454 > Nothing 06/18/2019 at 11:56

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 He just cost himself a bunch of money. Chrome bumper C3s are the good C3s and are highly sought after. 

fintail > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 11:56

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I can think of a few stereotype groups. 

AfromanGTO > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 11:59

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Don’t forget having car shows at 7 am at cracker barrel.

Years ago one of my buddies got a C6 a few months after I got my GTO. He came to a couple of GTO meets and we all had dinner after one meet . He invited me a few weeks later to the 7 am Corvette club meet at Cracker Barrel. 7 am on a Saturday, and the meet would end a little before 9 am . I know their cir cadian rhythm is fucked up to get up that early on a Saturday.

Arrivederci > Spaceball-Two 06/18/2019 at 12:05

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Don’t have a photo handy of my Dad’s, but it looks just like this:

My bird IS the word > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 12:15

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Corvette: the vanilla ice cream of sports cars

whatisthatsound > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 06/18/2019 at 12:23

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Listen I ’d love to tell everyone about the superiority of British cars, but the tow truck guy says if we make one more comment he is dropping me off on the side of the road.

Spaceball-Two > Arrivederci 06/18/2019 at 12:25

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Nice!

Snuze: Needs another Swede > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 12:31

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Dis is good Oppo!

My suggestion for the next... DSM Fanb ois. I was firmly in camp STI in the STI/EVO wars but I know there are people still out there flying the DSM flag.

Also, I have a neighbor with a ‘92 Vette. I’d seen it tucked away and assumed it was a garage queen, but I had the chance to talk to him recently and discovered that it was actually waiting the reinstallation of it’s freshly rebuilt LT1 after TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND MILES. This guy may seriously have more miles on his ‘Vette than all other owners combined. He’s my hero.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 12:37

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Guy I bought my Miata from is also a corvette owner. Definitely fit the age profile too haha. But he also had an RF Miata and like a dozen other cars registered to him. This stereotype definitely fits though more often than it should! Although some of my favorite autox and track cars that I have seen were definitely loud ass corvettes with crazy wings on them.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 12:41

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seconded! Its like regular car reviews but without the 18th century literature, pennsyltucky natives, and *Farts. Not hating on RCR, as I love his channel to death. But its nice to have the same satire from a different perspective as well.

Good writing for sure, keep it up. 

CobraJoe > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 12:42

4

There’s one shining bright spot among vette owners: The Vette kart.

All the spirit of the original hot rods, but with modern running gear and a capable chassis.  

functionoverfashion > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 12:44

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This is good. If you’re looking for ideas, how about hypermilers?

make your car look like a middle school art project

obsessively plan your routes everywhere

ignore traffic flow in the name of efficiency

study spreadsheets to see how you did later

You know what uses less gas than a stock *whatever*? STAYING HOME

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > AestheticsInMotion 06/18/2019 at 12:46

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I recall one time in around 40F weather in NJ, someone was filming me because they thought I was absolutely insane to have the top down. If anything I was a little bit hot due to the heater cooking me. Now in Socal, I definitely get the same quizzical looks and questions in ~60 degree weather. Gate guards at work always ask me if I am cold in the morning and meanwhile I dont even have the heat on yet so its not remotely cold. Funnier when I have shown up in rain though, then they might have a legitimate opinion in laughing at my misfortune.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 12:57

1

That was a fun read! My vote for next target: BMW M3s (E90M3 bait)

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 13:27

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I was commenting about boomer Corvette buyers on FP and someone got really mad that I made a comment about how C3s were slow.

I mean, objectively, they’re not really slow, but compared to today’s C7s and probably C8s they don’t compare, but the guy was so angry about that it didn’t matter to him.

I was at a C&C last weekend and half dozen Vettes showed up and none of them parked next to each other. Even the Camero guys managed to at least show some solidarity.

This post has got hot truth spilled all over it like frosting on a Cinnabo n.

BeaterGT > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 13:31

1

Spot on, can’t wait to get another! Although I’m still too young for the car shows .

Future Heap Owner > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 13:32

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Do one for a car/category  that’s actually  popular on Oppo. 

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Future Heap Owner 06/18/2019 at 13:40

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Volvo wagons?

Future Heap Owner > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 13:42

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Sure!

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > mberg1138 06/18/2019 at 13:42

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Fiesta ST owners do. And first gen ram owners in my experience

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > fintail 06/18/2019 at 13:43

6

I should post this to Corvette Reddit

Nothing > benn454 06/18/2019 at 13:59

1

Oh, I know. I looked at the before and after pictures and nearly cried. He has sold that one, I’m willing to bet whoever bought it probably swapped it back, at least if they had any sense.

RPM esq. > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 14:00

1

Like this.

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/why-your-automotive-subculture-sucks-focus-st-owners-1835621022

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > mberg1138 06/18/2019 at 14:39

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How come no one waves at me when I wave at them? Only one guy in a C6 did, all C7 drivers are looking 100% the other way and refusing to make eye contact. 

Dusty Ventures > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 14:47

4

Dodge Charger/Challenger people. 99.999% guaranteed to arrive at Cars And Coffee together and leave in a smoky sideways burnout that gets your local C&C shut down. Will publicly fight you online after when you call them out for their shit.

Dusty Ventures > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 06/18/2019 at 14:49

3

Corvette: older than the St Louis Arch

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Future Heap Owner 06/18/2019 at 16:10

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tae did one on manual elitists that’s going to generate some spicy hot takes.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 16:10

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Oh god if you do link me please, I have to see

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 16:10

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On another note which Corvette Club is your dad part of, there are several regional and national level ones. Out of curiosity. 

TheRealBicycleBuck > mberg1138 06/18/2019 at 16:11

0

WRX owners too.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 06/18/2019 at 16:12

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I tried, but .kinja links are banned.

Sad.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Dusty Ventures 06/18/2019 at 16:14

3

I have a friend who liked to talk about his hot-rodded Charger. I invited him to a track day where I promptly kicked his ass all over the track with my stock WRX!

He stopped bragging about the Charger, at least in front of me.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 16:26

2

Corvette owners have no sense of humour about their own cars 

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Dusty Ventures 06/18/2019 at 16:27

2

What IS IT with them and their absolute need to drive in and out at full tilt. They’re worse than the Stang GT drivers. 

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 16:28

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TBH most of my longer posts take like, all day, so I only write them if my job is depressing the shit out of me. 

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > AestheticsInMotion 06/18/2019 at 16:31

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I’m assuming the mantle of boomer speak in order to respond to this ironically/satirically...

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Textured Soy Protein 06/18/2019 at 16:31

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My wife says the same thing

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > AfromanGTO 06/18/2019 at 16:32

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Okay man I was having fun but now you’ve gone TOO FAR

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > My bird IS the word 06/18/2019 at 16:33

2

Yeah but if you get the better trim version you can have the high quality Madacascar Vanilla Extract in it

https://www.amazon.com/Nielsen-Massey-Madagascar-Bourbon-Vanilla-Extract/dp/B000GAWH4G

red014 > mberg1138 06/18/2019 at 16:35

3

Miata owners wave. They wink if it’s an NA.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 06/18/2019 at 16:46

0

This one took a while.  i was bored at home so typed it up

AestheticsInMotion > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 06/18/2019 at 17:19

1

Crazy thing is he was early/mid-thirties.

Apparently n o demographic is safe from the corvette stereotypification

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > AestheticsInMotion 06/18/2019 at 20:08

0

I have no words for this. Flummoxing. 

RPM esq. > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/18/2019 at 20:47

3

Jeeps. Bro trucks. Chargers/Challengers. Chrysler 300s. Priuses. Attorneys with Mercedeses.

I love that Ms. Mercedes did Harleys, too.

ETA: TESLA!

COFLD > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 12:04

3

I seem to recall a certain “ COFL” guy rippin down Lakeshore Drive in my C2 with a shit eating grin on his face ; but I completely understand and respect what you are saying son. Where’s the “whiteout”?Time to change the will. Fortunately your sister can drive a standard. Question. What are your views on jeeps? Just wonderin... Love Dad.

SmugAardvark > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 19:06

3

Well, aren’t you a son of a bitch...

Heh, just kidding. I don’t participate in Corvette events for pretty much the reasons above. They aren’t all bad. But they are tedious enough that I feel like I’m not missing out on anything.

LJ909 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/23/2019 at 00:25

1

I enjoyed this. How long did it take you t hough? I could usually knock out a post in like less than an hour. Unless its a post I’ve really been researching it may take me a few days but it usually just flows once I get into it.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > LJ909 06/23/2019 at 00:26

1

Like, 2 hours of half work? Most of the hard work is finding gifs/tweets to make it like Magary’s.

Get lost down a lot of rabbit holes...

LJ909 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/23/2019 at 12:09

1

Oh yeah definitely. Finding the right image etc. Or research takes you to article after article. Sometimes I forget I'm writing when I'm reading

ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 07/04/2019 at 13:23

1

Only C6 and C5 guys wave in my experience...

ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability > mberg1138 07/04/2019 at 13:25

0

Mini owners wave too. 

WilliamsSW > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 07/04/2019 at 13:30

1

I want a C2 427 Vette. Specifically with this 427:

Fully dress the car with the 427 hood etc and take the Tbird off the air cleaner. Bring it to shows without any explanation at all.

Just to watch the synapses pop.  

superdave847 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 07/04/2019 at 13:34

0

Corvettes were made in St. Louis until 1981. GM demanded incentives to stay, the city said “no way”, and off they went.

superdave847 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 07/04/2019 at 13:36

3

Ha!! That’s so insecure 

superdave847 > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 07/04/2019 at 13:38

1

No comment on Air Cooled Porsche folks or suburban girls in G wagens?

superdave847 > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 07/04/2019 at 13:41

0

Or GTIs with ski racks?

Eury - AFRICA TWIN!!!!!!! > mberg1138 07/04/2019 at 15:50

0

Fuck waving. I’ve had Miatas, Jeeps and a Mini. I don’t know you, I’m not waving at you. 

Spridget > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 07/04/2019 at 18:43

2

If what a challenging/edgy/devil’s advocate one, some of the following should do nicely:

1. Miata owners- not just the track day guys, but the whole crowd.

2. The cult/image around the big Lexus sedans could be taken on, certainly not without controversy here.

3. The Volvo 240

4. Overlanding

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Spridget 07/04/2019 at 18:47

1

I did volvo owners!

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/why-your-automotive-subculture-sucks-volvo-owners-1835663636

Spridget > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 07/04/2019 at 19:09

0

Yeah, I evidently missed the entire time when this series was a thing. I just read it; the Volvo one was excellent.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > AfromanGTO 07/23/2019 at 17:38

2

Meeting at 7am on a Saturday? That’s just early risers being assholes to those who like to stay up past 9pm.